[Audio file coming soon]
I’ve spent most of today pacing around an art gallery with headphones in, listening to my old audio recordings. My favourite is one of me and my brother sitting at my favourite river spot in Gimuy. In it I tell all the stories I can think of, about us meeting various animals on our adventures there. You hear me again and again just exclaim my love for the place. Describing its beauty out loud. I’m not sure I have the attention span just yet to edit that hour long audio into something presentable for you here, but one day I wish to. You can hear all the birdsong and the waterflow. If there’s one audio recording I would show someone to introduce them to me, it may be that one.
From around the same time I recorded that, I also found a lot of me describing my sleepy dreams, and my concerns. I describe the feelings that had returned to me, as I weaned myself off my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. It’s all so foretelling. After those recordings, it did continue to get really, really bad. That anxiety that returned did end up taking me somewhere very, very scary.
I even say that I don’t want to return to Winnipeg. That I don’t want ‘them’ to see me, ‘them’ being an abstract people who make me feel claustrophobic. As if I have the foresight of what will happen. And in hearing this fear again now, I am grateful that it came true. It is better that our fears become a reality and we learn that we will survive them, or else, they would just remain as fears anyway. Holding us back. I want to live all my fears. Live. Through them. I feel quite light, knowing that my fears came true so precisely. Maybe, had I had this realisation 2 years ago, I wouldn’t be so dandy about it. I’d probably be really fucking pissed that I was so right. But I have a sense of humour about things, and I’m also back on my medication… so… it’s all good now.
At the end of one recording, I say that I want to sit down with a certain friend, who at that time, I hadn’t ever yet had the chance to. I say, “It’s impossible that we don’t.” And sure enough, soon we managed it. Twice even, and one being thorough and warm and right, and then a second sit down by chance soon after.
I’ve been thinking about wishes. On the drive from Calgary to Medicine Hat, I saw 4 shooting stars, and I wished the same wish on all four of them.