16 April, 2020
Today I had a sudden tiredness come over me. I had had enough sleep, so it seemed strange. It probably could have been avoided if the pot of water I had put on to boil and make tea, hadn’t been disconnected from the wall. Alas, I felt it as something that needed to happen. I could feel there was something within me that needed to be breathed out, something I couldn’t put my finger on. An anxiety perhaps. I tucked myself into my sheets, covered my head to create a womb, took some deep breaths and fell asleep. This is what I dreamt…
I dreamt that I was irresponsible and flushed something down my sink drain, something like rice maybe. Dark water began to rise from it, and everything else I’d washed down there, including about 4-5 full croissants. It wasn’t stopping and I knew it was going to overflow. I had to email my landlord, stat. My house was also a mess, so in the time it’d take him to get there, I’d have to clean it. I felt that I could achieve it, as I am a boss with a deadline, but it was going to be one of my biggest feats to date. (The mess was deep.)
Then I was downstairs. This kind of downstairs doesn’t actually exist here in my building. It was under a house, a Queenslander design, with uneven, dirt ground. This is where I lived now. I think my landlord moved me there, as it was the cheapest of the suits, and maybe I couldn’t pay my rent now. He couldn’t throw me out but he could move me. There was a man down there too. I asked him if he knew the landlord and if he was allowed to be there. I realised he lived there as well. I accepted this, as punishment for my neglect and was grateful to still have a roof over my head.
I could hear other people already moving into my suite, and was surprised that people were out and about moving into new places during this time (a pandemic). I think they were a friend of the landlord, which is what made it easier, and their move may not have been residential but somehow investment related.
At another point in my dreams, I was carrying a baby. I remember seeing vivid colours. It was within a wet t-shirt, that I was wearing. The shirt is where the colours came from… It wasn’t all different colours on one shirt… it was one solid colour at a time… But many ‘times’ were one, non-linear, but all occurring at once… It was a very young animal, ambiguous whether human, bird or other mammal. It was young, as if fresh from the womb, or still within it about to emerge, but not so small, it was the size of my arms. I petted it and felt great affection. I remembered how relevant this dream was… that is to say, within the dream, I connected the dots to the fact I had dreamed of something similar before.
One last aspect of the dreams I had was that I was outside, there were people around. The ground was maybe dusty, and the sun was shining bright, but not uncomfortably. Maybe it was a kids party… and we were all kids, except in adult form. I say this because it just felt that way. Many of my friends from middle school were there. I particularly remember when K arrived, and I shouted out in glee to her. I used my loud laugh as a calling card, and afterwards, I remember thinking about how I did this. I let myself be embarrassing for the good of the collective experience… to be humorous and to make others feel acknowledged. I remember when K arrived, I turned to C (also from middle school, and also a Taurus like K and I) who was beside me and acknowledged her too, as someone I liked… maybe I said that they were my favourites or something. Whether out loud or not, I acknowledged that they were both Tauruses.
Image by Kat Nancy, 2019